So you have accidentally found your way to my blog, and you
figured why not read a paragraph or two to see if anything catches your
attention. I am glad that you have taken the time out of your day to read what I have to
say.
To let you know up front though I have
absolutely no formal education it what I will be discussing in this blog at
all, but I do have an opinion. What better way to spread my opinion than to set
up a blog? I will get on here and spout all sorts of wonderful information
about my Spirituality, and you can send me emails telling me how wrong I am,
and I can ignore it. You can also send me emails telling me how awesome I am,
and how much sense I make, and I will think you might be crazy. Here's the deal
though, it is MY spirituality that I will be talking about and that is what
makes me qualified to write about it....
Now about me....
First and foremost I was raised in the
Episcopal church and attend with my family. I also attend a bible based
church here in San Antonio. Now I don't believe that attending two churches will
put me any closer to God by any means. I just enjoy the fellowship at both churches,
and have this overwhelming desire to understand God, and Jesus more.
So growing up I was your typical teenager
I would guess, causing just enough trouble to bring my parents to the brink of
questioning their decision not to put me up for adoption. I went to church
almost every weekend, not to feed my faith, but because I was one of the only
teenagers in the church and they needed someone to carry the cross. Any Episcopalians
out there who have grown up in the church can probably feel my pain there.
So typical teenager, made average grades when I decided to apply
myself, and decided my best choice of action would be to join the military
right out of high school.
In June of 2001 I was off to the Air force, and what I would think
at the time was my glorious career as the Air Forces new “Top Airman”. There
was only one small problem with this whole thought process, and that was… I
didn’t like authority. I had no problem breaking the rules and doing exactly
what I wanted to do.
I
somehow made it through basic and tech school however, and found myself
stationed a Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi Mississippi. Anyone who has ever
been to Biloxi can tell you that there is really only one thing for a young
teenager to do in Biloxi and that is get in trouble… As we have already
discussed I was really good at that. But things were starting to change, I was
going to marry the love of my life, and we were going to start our family, do
the whole two and a half kids and a dog type thing. We were going to hold off
on the kids though and just work on the dog.
However, God had another plan for
us, and we found out that we were going to have a little one. So we are set, we
love each other, we have a dog, and now we have a baby on the way. Things couldn't be better, right?
Well
the truth is we were living a superficial relationship, we were happy on the
outside, but inside we were miserable. We attended church, but God was not a
part of our relationship, we didn't put our trust in Him. We fought on a daily
basis and there was a spirit of anger that was a constant companion in our home. But the new baby
was going to change all of this, the new baby was going to bring a spirit of
love into our home... There I go thinking again.
So
the day finally came, in the afternoon of February 16th 2003 I finally
got to hold my little girl for the first time. Zoey Shy’an, and she was my new
angel, she was going to help bring peace into my house, and get us back to
loving each other. She was perfect.
One
morning shortly after, I was going through my usual routine. Woke up and was
getting ready for work, took my shower, had my coffee, the everyday routine.
Except now I was a father and I got to kiss my baby girl goodbye every morning
before going to work. I walked into her room leaned down to kiss her forehead and
noticed that she was cold and not breathing…
Panic sank in I dialed 911. I felt helpless I
woke up my wife and gave her the instructions I was getting over the phone by
the 911 dispatcher. Everything after that was a blur, police, EMTs, everyone descended
on my home. In a moment they had my baby girl, my perfect angel, on a stretcher and she was gone out the door.
We
raced to the hospital after the ambulance, and my First Sgt. met us in the
waiting room and we were escorted to a private waiting area. I paced around
making phone calls to family letting them know what was happening and for them
to expect the worse. The doctors came in and gave the news I was dreading most.
On April 26th 2003, at a little after 9 in the morning my daughter
passed away.
My
world stopped when I heard those words “We did everything we could.” I held my
wife while she cried, and asked my First Sgt. to look after her while I made the
phone calls no one ever wants to make. I called family, close friends, and members
of the church we attended.
I
sat outside for a while, until one of doctors, came out and sat beside me. I
didn't remember it at the time, but he was the doctor who delivered Zoey. He
put his arm around me and asked if there was anything I could do. All I said
was that I wanted to see her. He walked me back to her and warned me that with
the tubes things may be uncomfortable for me. I didn't care I wanted to see
her. I told him that she was to be baptized that week at our church and he said
there was a priest standing by in case I needed him.
Zoey
Shy’an was baptized 2 hours after she passed away.
Life
from then on was very different. My wife and I fought more than ever. I started
lashing out at anyone. I turned my back on those that cared about me the most,
family, friends, and even turned my back on God himself. My question was “what
kind of God would allow this to happen?” I was angry and I wanted the whole
world to know it.
They
say that everybody needs a dark night of the soul, well I was going through
mine and I was there to stay. I started drinking heavily, and hanging out with
the wrong crowds. My work started suffering and my once valued career was
looking to come to an abrupt end. My wife decided that it was my fault and
punished me by being unfaithful. She even at one point convinced our marriage counselor
that it was my fault she was cheating. I have still not figured out that one in
my head.
The
drinking was getting worse, the lashing out was getting worse, the ones who
once stood beside me I now pushed away. I was lying to anyone and everyone
about anything and everything. Why? Because I was angry. I was angry at God, I
was angry at the people who said they were sorry for my loss, I was angry at
the people who said they understood what I was going through. No one understood
what I was going through how could they?
The
problems really became problems after my first arrest. Alcohol was involved.
Did I learn? Nope because 2 months later I was back in front of the judge
again. Alcohol was involved again. I sort of learned that time though, and said
I would stay out of trouble, but the damage had already been done, and I was still angry.
On
April 4th 2004, I was given a General Discharge under Honorable
Conditions. A much more gracious discharge than I probably deserved. I was out,
but still angry. I spent several months living as a drifter in
Mississippi, before returning to my family just outside of San Antonio, Texas.
Here the healing would begin. I wasn't really ready to go back to church yet,
but I did end the toxic relationship with my wife and start that healing
process.
So
let’s fast forward a few years to September of 2011. I have started attending
my parents’ church on a regular basis by this point, and have really come to discover
the power of trying your hardest to live through Christ every single day. I had also learned the power of forgiveness, and had forgiven my wife for the hurt that she caused, and for blaming me. I still to this day don't know if she has forgiven me though.
During this time however a gentleman approached me and asked me if I was interested in attending a
Cursillo in November. I had heard about Cursillo but wasn't sure if it was
something that I really wanted to attend or not, I still wasn't 100% convinced that God really was there for me. But, I said I would pray about
it, and I did.
I
decided that it couldn't hurt and would give it a shot… After all it was only a
weekend and I could survive anything for a weekend right? This was my first real
eye opening experience to the true power of God.
While
I was on my weekend were split up into groups and we were all moved to tables.
People shared stories about their faith and their walk with God and how it
affects their everyday life, and we would discuss afterwards what we felt.
One
particular talk, from a woman who has become a very dear friend of mine, was on the
loss of her grand-daughter. It was one of the most powerful talks of the
weekend for me because it was something that I have lived through. Then she
told us how she then lost her second grand-daughter… “How was this woman able
to stand up here and tell this story?” I thought to myself. She was so strong,
and filled with God, she inspired me beyond words. She kept her faith in God,
she didn't turn her back on Him.
During our discussion period we all shared a
little bit about who we were and our walk with Christ. It was in this
discussion that all of the candidates at my table discovered that we had all
suffered a significant loss in our lives of a child. This could only have been
made possible because of God. There was no background check, no questionnaire we had to fill out and disclose information. Only think known about
any of us other than our names, was where we attended church. God meant for me to be on that weekend, and at
that table, God needed for me to hear those words and be surrounded by his
people.
Since
that weekend I have served Him on two other weekends. I got the opportunity to
share my story, this story, on one of the weekends, and only hope that I was
able to touch someone’s life the way mine was touched on my weekend. To help
someone with their walk with Christ.
I
consider this blog as a ministry or an outreach. Each week I will get on here
and hopefully help someone in their walk with Christ. You may not agree with
some of what I may post, but the bible is a book open to interpretation to the
person who reads it, and something that means something to me when I read it
may not be what it means to you. And what I read this week may mean something entirely
different when I read it next week, or next month, or next year. But if any one of my posts takes you
further on your walk with Christ then I feel like it was worth my time.
And
just a quick follow up. When asked about my daughter now, almost 11 years later
I tell people she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that she is
my angel bringing me closer to Christ every single day.
I
am going to end each week with a prayer. Feel free to say it or skip over it.
Lord
I know sometimes you have to show us a little darkness to understand the light,
but I know now that it is all part of your plan for us. Lord I ask that you
continue to bless us with your abundance, and continue to show us the path
as was try and walk closer with you in our everyday life. Amen
Have
a great week everyone and hope to have you back next week!
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