Light the Passion

Hey everyone! I am Courtney, and a good friend of David's (I hope lol he might argue that point). After weeks of telling I would post I have finally decided I should. I also realized why my blog wasn't working so now that I can finally do this again I am excited!

"I hope my passion is equal to the task"

The other night I was watching the movie the Prestige. If you haven't seen it, a basic non confusing way to explain it is this: After an illusion goes tragically wrong, two 19th century magicians engage in a bitter and potentially deadly rivalry. It truly is a wonderful movie but the quote above got me thinking.

"I hope my passion is equal to the task"

This is spoken in a point where one of the magicians is working to figure out the others secrets. Be is becomes increasingly harder to do. He continually says that he hopes that his desire and passion is strong enough to discover the secrets he is after.

But I started thinking. What is really passion? I mean how does one become passionate about something. For some of us it is a life choice, something that we would do no matter what. For me that is nursing. When I decided to become a nurse it was through a passion to help others. Even as I type this right now I am acting as a nurse. My grandfather had a heart cath about 3 hours ago and I am sitting here taking care of him and being his personal nurse. It comes to me naturally, and there have been a couple times that I have to remind myself that I am not the one getting paid, I can't go around answering call lights and helping patients. I strive daily to be the best I can be in my work and sometimes it overwhelms me but I still love it.

Passion is an amazing thing. It drives us as human beings. But what does that have to do with our spiritual journey. Well simple we are on our way to witness the Passion of Our Lord Jesus Christ. And I am sure there is a more scholarly reason (which surprise there is, I will talk about it later) why it is called the Passion but I want to but my own ideas on it.

Jesus died for our sins. He knew thousand of years before I was born that I would need grace and forgiveness in my life. And boy was he right. His PASSION was to help those that need him. To help a world that was covered in sin. To save the souls and lives of those that will come after him. Jesus's Passion was and still is US! He gave himself to the cross so that all of humanity could be saved. Think about it, ALL of humanity, BILLIONS of people saved because of one mans actions.

I spent time trying to learn why we as Christians called it the Passion. Looking around I learned that Passion comes from the Greek word paschein or to suffer. Christ suffered for us. But look at the English translation of passion...

Passion: noun, A strong and barely controllable emotion.

Jesus had the uncontrollable emotions, He cried out for help, he experienced pain and torture that no earthly man should, all for us, all for his Father's Children. For we are the Children of God. Jesus's passion was equal, if not greater, then the task. His Passion for us was greater then the suffering he endured.

I challenge each and everyone of you that reads, during the time of Easter, look at the journey of Christ in a different way. Instead of looking at the Passion in a Greek style, seeing it as suffering and pain, look at the passion in the new definition, with strong and barely controllable emotions. With a love for us is incomparable.  Alter your views on what happened. You know I believe all of this is best explained with one line, one sentence that sums up the entire passion.......

"For God so loved the world, he gave his only begotten son, that whosoever believed in him should not parish, but have everlasting life." John 3:16

I would just like to end in a prayer like Dave.

Dear Heavenly Father,
Thank you for the Passion of your Son, that through his suffering we can have everlasting life. Thank you for the love that you pour down upon us. Be with us as we prepare for the Passion of your Son and open our eyes to see past the hurt and the suffering, let us see the love and concern that the Father, Son, and Holy Ghost as for all of the people of the world. And God let us find our passion in this life, let is be one that praises you and all of your glory.
In your name we pray
Amen

Thank you and God Bless

It's time to forgive....

There is a saying when you attend a Cursillo Weekend, and that is what happens at Cursillo stays at Cursillo. That mainly has to do with the super-secret tattoo that you get on the last day, but it also has to do with the fact that the weekend is very difficult to explain because it is different for every person. But one part of the weekend that really stood out for me was one night during chapel. During this particular visit we were all sitting around and the Spiritual Director told us a story that I think everyone can relate to. He told the parable of the prodigal son.

I will assume that most of you have heard this story so I will just paraphrase…

A man has two sons, the younger of the two wants his inheritance now before his father dies so he can go spend it now, proof that the “I want it now” phase started long before my generation. So the father being the good father that he was gives his son his inheritance early and boom, off the son goes to live his life. So he is off to the Las Vegas of the time, and starts living the lavish lifestyle.

Now time passes and eventually the son had more party than money in him, and he finds himself broke. So the son decides that he needs a job, but all he can get is a job as a swineherd, an extremely unclean and looked down upon job as you could probably imagine. So here is the son doing his job, and feeling sorry for himself and finally decides it is time to go home. You know you have hit rock bottom when you start envying pigs.

The son packs up his things and heads back home. But, on his way home he does that thing that all kids have done when headed home to face the music. He starts rehearsing in his head what he is going to say when he sees the folks.

“See Dad what had happened was……”“Dad I didn't mean to spend all the money on………”

He worked really hard on the speech, but he doesn't get to even say it, because his father had been waiting every day at the edge of the fence for his son to return. As soon as he sees his son he calls for the finest robes, rings, sandals, and to kill the “fatted calf” for a feast. The party is back on folks.

Alright, so here they are having a party to celebrate the return of Junior, and older brother is out in the fields and hears Willie Nelson (Willie was probably in his early 20’s at the time) playing on the stage. Now the older brother asks what is going on to one of the party goers, and he is told that his brother had returned. Now the older brother read on his twitter feed about how his brother lost his fortune, and he wasn't really impressed with the party, he was more into KISS. He was even a little mad, and if you remember back in those days if your brother is mad at you bad things can happen. We all remember what happened with the loving brothers of Kane and Able, and poor Joseph didn't stand a chance either.

Dad seeing the escalation and knowing how badly it could end went to his older son and tried to talk to him. The older son looks at his old man and says “Look how long I have worked for you and I don’t get nothing, I don’t cause problems, I don’t spend your money, I never bring my hooligan friends over. And I don’t ever get a party. But Junior comes home and you throw him a party for spending all of your money, he should have invested it in a 401k”

The father just looks at his older son, uses that wisdom you know all fathers develop over a lifetime, and tells his older son. “We hang out all the time, but your brother was basically dead, but now he is alive, he once was lost, but now he is found.”

How many of you can relate to the younger son?How many of you can relate to the older son?How many of you can relate to the father? “Dang knuckle headed kids won’t stop screwing up and fighting with each other…..”

This story teaches us about a fathers’ forgiveness of his knuckle headed kids. But the key word is forgiveness. God understands that we make mistakes. That we lose our way, and he forgives us like this father forgave his son, who lost his way.

Now you could be saying to yourself, “Self there’s no way my parents will forgive me, I can’t forgive my neighbor, my spouse, my brother for what they did. There is no way Jesus will forgive me for what I have done.”

But our God is a forgiving God. That is what he wants to do. He wants you to live for him, no matter how many mistakes you made in the past, no matter what you think you have done not to deserve His love, He wants to love you. He wants to forgive you.

I have a friend that like the prodigal son lost his way at one point in time. He was mixed up with the wrong ground, getting into all sorts of trouble. He and I were sitting down and talking one day and I asked him what made him change. He told me that he did believe that anything would be able to help him, he did think anyone would forgive him. He had what he called a dark night of the soul. He lost his way for a while but he found God and everything started to change for him.

My friend decided that he couldn't just forgive himself, he had to ask for forgiveness from God and keep the promises he made to Him. Well God not only forgave him but God truly blessed him. My friend now has a beautiful family and a loving wife. But my friend took it one step further, my friend said "You forgave me and blessed me lord, now it's time for me to return the favor." Shortly after he finished his tour in Vietnam he answered a call that he thought he was having. My friend became a minister and led God people for close to 30 years. I would say that the Lord forgave him for losing his way.

At the last supper Jesus looked over to Peter and said “You my friend are going to deny me three times.”What did Peter say? Just like a little kid with his hand caught in the cookie jar… “Nu Uhhh. I’m not going to deny you. We are friends, BFF’s, besties, I would never deny you.”

What happened next? Peter denied Jesus three times. Then, we all know the story Jesus was crucified, died and was buried. Then he was resurrected. His mother, and Mary Magdalene were the first to make the discovery, and the creepy looking glowing guy in the tomb said to tell his disciples, including Peter, that Jesus had gone on to Galilee.

So they run off and tell everyone and tell Peter, who was checking his Facebook news feed and seeing all the tribute posts to Judas’ page after he committed suicide because he betrayed Jesus. This brought thoughts in to Peter’s mind about his own betrayal. He was probably doing what the Prodigal son was doing and started working on the speech of his life.

“See Lord what had happened was…..”

But then Peter gets the message that Jesus will see him now. I am sure that there are several outcomes running through Peters head at this moment and none of them probably end with them getting happyhour after work together. It was probably more along the lines of “See I told you so?” Or maybe “You lied to me, and I went and told Dad, now you are going to get it?”

But Jesus didn't say any of that. John 21:15-17 tells us the story. Jesus simply asked, “Peter do you love me?” Three times he asked this and three times Peter tells Jesus “Yes Lord, I do love you.”
Jesus then doesn't ask, “Then why did you deny me?” He simply states “Feed my sheep.” Jesus pushed that forgiveness further. He said not only do I forgive you but I have bigger plans for you. Jesus said “go out and tell the world I exist, I am real. And I say I forgive you.”

Now Peter had to keep that forgiveness going. He couldn't just breathe a sigh of relief and if asked about Jesus again say “Who?” And that is what is expected of us as well.


We don’t have to drop everything we are doing pick out 11 of our closest friends and set out on a quest to tell everyone about the grace of God, but we do need to live our lives for God. Dedicate ourselves to doing the best we can for Him, in His name. We need to be able to forgive others the way that He forgives us.

If you haven’t read my story of why I am here you can go back and take a look at it here really quickly …  http://myspiritualdesperation.blogspot.com/2014/02/let-me-introduce-myself.html

I myself, just like my friend, was like the Prodigal Son. I lost my way and wasn't sure if I could even come back to my family or Christ. I made the journey coming back with my tail between my legs because I thought I had thought I failed. I thought I had let my whole family down. In the back of my mind I knew they would take me back, but I was still nervous on the trip back home. I was the son practicing what I was going to say when I got back home.


Now when I got home my folks didn't throw a party for me, but they did forgive me, and that really helped with the healing process that I had to go through. And believe me there was a lot of healing that needed to happen.


But before that could happen completely I needed to not only be forgiven, but also to forgive. I had been hurt very badly along the way. I held a great deal of anger for my ex-wife, and even a great deal of anger for God. I blamed him for my loss.


I had to let that go. I had to forgive. Only in that forgiveness of God, could I truly accept his forgiveness of me.

I’m going to end this week with a quick prayer.

Lord thank you for the promise of your forgiveness. I know I don’t always do the right thing, say the right thing, or act the right way. I am only human Lord and it is hard for me sometimes. I am truly thankful though that you are a forgiving God, an understanding God. I ask that you please continue to bless me with your forgiveness, as I continue to try and live in your light, and continue on my path of knowing you better. AmenThank you guys for reading my post, it is a blessing for me to be able to post this and hopefully touch one of your lives. Please feel free to pass this along to anyone you feel may need it in their life. Also if you have a story about how God has blessed you or touched you I would love to hear it, please feel free to email me at any time.

I am proud to say that in the coming weeks I am going to have a truly awesome friend writing as well. I met this young woman a couple of years ago and we have gotten to become great friends. She has her own blog I will let her tell you about, but she has agreed to come on My Spiritual Desperation and do some posting as well.

If you would like to know what we are up to please like our Facebook page at www.facebook.com/MySpiritualDesperation.

Have a great week guys, and look forward to hearing from you.

Let me introduce myself.....

So you have accidentally found your way to my blog, and you figured why not read a paragraph or two to see if anything catches your attention. I am glad that you have taken the time out of your day to read what I have to say. 

To let you know up front though I have absolutely no formal education it what I will be discussing in this blog at all, but I do have an opinion. What better way to spread my opinion than to set up a blog? I will get on here and spout all sorts of wonderful information about my Spirituality, and you can send me emails telling me how wrong I am, and I can ignore it. You can also send me emails telling me how awesome I am, and how much sense I make, and I will think you might be crazy. Here's the deal though, it is MY spirituality that I will be talking about and that is what makes me qualified to write about it....

Now about me....

First and foremost I was raised in the Episcopal church and attend with my family. I also attend a bible based church here in San Antonio. Now I don't believe that attending two churches will put me any closer to God by any means. I just enjoy the fellowship at both churches, and have this overwhelming desire to understand God, and Jesus more. 

So growing up I was your typical teenager I would guess, causing just enough trouble to bring my parents to the brink of questioning their decision not to put me up for adoption. I went to church almost every weekend, not to feed my faith, but because I was one of the only teenagers in the church and they needed someone to carry the cross. Any Episcopalians out there who have grown up in the church can probably feel my pain there.

So typical teenager, made average grades when I decided to apply myself, and decided my best choice of action would be to join the military right out of high school.

In June of 2001 I was off to the Air force, and what I would think at the time was my glorious career as the Air Forces new “Top Airman”. There was only one small problem with this whole thought process, and that was… I didn’t like authority. I had no problem breaking the rules and doing exactly what I wanted to do.

I somehow made it through basic and tech school however, and found myself stationed a Keesler Air Force Base in Biloxi Mississippi. Anyone who has ever been to Biloxi can tell you that there is really only one thing for a young teenager to do in Biloxi and that is get in trouble… As we have already discussed I was really good at that. But things were starting to change, I was going to marry the love of my life, and we were going to start our family, do the whole two and a half kids and a dog type thing. We were going to hold off on the kids though and just work on the dog. 

However, God had another plan for us, and we found out that we were going to have a little one. So we are set, we love each other, we have a dog, and now we have a baby on the way. Things couldn't be better, right?

Well the truth is we were living a superficial relationship, we were happy on the outside, but inside we were miserable. We attended church, but God was not a part of our relationship, we didn't put our trust in Him. We fought on a daily basis and there was a spirit of anger that was a constant companion in our home. But the new baby was going to change all of this, the new baby was going to bring a spirit of love into our home... There I go thinking again.

So the day finally came, in the afternoon of February 16^th 2003 I finally got to hold my little girl for the first time. Zoey Shy’an, and she was my new angel, she was going to help bring peace into my house, and get us back to loving each other. She was perfect.

One morning shortly after, I was going through my usual routine. Woke up and was getting ready for work, took my shower, had my coffee, the everyday routine. Except now I was a father and I got to kiss my baby girl goodbye every morning before going to work. I walked into her room leaned down to kiss her forehead and noticed that she was cold and not breathing…

Panic sank in I dialed 911. I felt helpless I woke up my wife and gave her the instructions I was getting over the phone by the 911 dispatcher. Everything after that was a blur, police, EMTs, everyone descended on my home. In a moment they had my baby girl, my perfect angel, on a stretcher and she was gone out the door.

We raced to the hospital after the ambulance, and my First Sgt. met us in the waiting room and we were escorted to a private waiting area. I paced around making phone calls to family letting them know what was happening and for them to expect the worse. The doctors came in and gave the news I was dreading most. On April 26^th 2003, at a little after 9 in the morning my daughter passed away.

My world stopped when I heard those words “We did everything we could.” I held my wife while she cried, and asked my First Sgt. to look after her while I made the phone calls no one ever wants to make. I called family, close friends, and members of the church we attended.

I sat outside for a while, until one of doctors, came out and sat beside me. I didn't remember it at the time, but he was the doctor who delivered Zoey. He put his arm around me and asked if there was anything I could do. All I said was that I wanted to see her. He walked me back to her and warned me that with the tubes things may be uncomfortable for me. I didn't care I wanted to see her. I told him that she was to be baptized that week at our church and he said there was a priest standing by in case I needed him.

Zoey Shy’an was baptized 2 hours after she passed away.

Life from then on was very different. My wife and I fought more than ever. I started lashing out at anyone. I turned my back on those that cared about me the most, family, friends, and even turned my back on God himself. My question was “what kind of God would allow this to happen?” I was angry and I wanted the whole world to know it.

They say that everybody needs a dark night of the soul, well I was going through mine and I was there to stay. I started drinking heavily, and hanging out with the wrong crowds. My work started suffering and my once valued career was looking to come to an abrupt end. My wife decided that it was my fault and punished me by being unfaithful. She even at one point convinced our marriage counselor that it was my fault she was cheating. I have still not figured out that one in my head.

The drinking was getting worse, the lashing out was getting worse, the ones who once stood beside me I now pushed away. I was lying to anyone and everyone about anything and everything. Why? Because I was angry. I was angry at God, I was angry at the people who said they were sorry for my loss, I was angry at the people who said they understood what I was going through. No one understood what I was going through how could they?

The problems really became problems after my first arrest. Alcohol was involved. Did I learn? Nope because 2 months later I was back in front of the judge again. Alcohol was involved again. I sort of learned that time though, and said I would stay out of trouble, but the damage had already been done, and I was still angry.

On April 4^th 2004, I was given a General Discharge under Honorable Conditions. A much more gracious discharge than I probably deserved. I was out, but still angry. I spent several months living as a drifter in Mississippi, before returning to my family just outside of San Antonio, Texas.

Here the healing would begin. I wasn't really ready to go back to church yet, but I did end the toxic relationship with my wife and start that healing process.

So let’s fast forward a few years to September of 2011. I have started attending my parents’ church on a regular basis by this point, and have really come to discover the power of trying your hardest to live through Christ every single day. I had also learned the power of forgiveness, and had forgiven my wife for the hurt that she caused, and for blaming me. I still to this day don't know if she has forgiven me though.

During this time however a gentleman approached me and asked me if I was interested in attending a Cursillo in November. I had heard about Cursillo but wasn't sure if it was something that I really wanted to attend or not, I still wasn't 100% convinced that God really was there for me. But, I said I would pray about it, and I did.

I decided that it couldn't hurt and would give it a shot… After all it was only a weekend and I could survive anything for a weekend right? This was my first real eye opening experience to the true power of God.

While I was on my weekend were split up into groups and we were all moved to tables. People shared stories about their faith and their walk with God and how it affects their everyday life, and we would discuss afterwards what we felt.

One particular talk, from a woman who has become a very dear friend of mine, was on the loss of her grand-daughter. It was one of the most powerful talks of the weekend for me because it was something that I have lived through. Then she told us how she then lost her second grand-daughter… “How was this woman able to stand up here and tell this story?” I thought to myself. She was so strong, and filled with God, she inspired me beyond words. She kept her faith in God, she didn't turn her back on Him.

During our discussion period we all shared a little bit about who we were and our walk with Christ. It was in this discussion that all of the candidates at my table discovered that we had all suffered a significant loss in our lives of a child. This could only have been made possible because of God. There was no background check, no questionnaire we had to fill out and disclose information. Only think known about any of us other than our names, was where we attended church. God meant for me to be on that weekend, and at that table, God needed for me to hear those words and be surrounded by his people.

Since that weekend I have served Him on two other weekends. I got the opportunity to share my story, this story, on one of the weekends, and only hope that I was able to touch someone’s life the way mine was touched on my weekend. To help someone with their walk with Christ.

I consider this blog as a ministry or an outreach. Each week I will get on here and hopefully help someone in their walk with Christ. You may not agree with some of what I may post, but the bible is a book open to interpretation to the person who reads it, and something that means something to me when I read it may not be what it means to you. And what I read this week may mean something entirely different when I read it next week, or next month, or next year. But if any one of my posts takes you further on your walk with Christ then I feel like it was worth my time.

And just a quick follow up. When asked about my daughter now, almost 11 years later I tell people she was the best thing that ever happened to me, and that she is my angel bringing me closer to Christ every single day.

I am going to end each week with a prayer. Feel free to say it or skip over it.

Lord I know sometimes you have to show us a little darkness to understand the light, but I know now that it is all part of your plan for us. Lord I ask that you continue to bless us with your abundance, and continue to show us the path as was try and walk closer with you in our everyday life. Amen

Have a great week everyone and hope to have you back next week!